The Bastard Lounge

Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.

The Bastard Lounge Hall of Fame: Get Tae Fuck 2015

And so, 2015 is dribbling soggily to a close, like the last few drops of a particularly unsatisfying piss. Supposedly, it’s been a year of highs as well as lows, though since I tend not to spend any time in the company of anyone who willingly feels the faintest glimmer of pleasure, as far as I’m aware 2015 has been nothing but misery, suffering and testicular torsion.

As your foremost doom-monger, it is my duty to cast my beady eye back over the carcass of the past twelve months, picking out the most appetising scraps of rotting flesh and presenting them to you like an eager-to-please vulture trying desperately to impress its in-laws. This year we’re going to do things slightly differently and add a multicultural flavour to proceedings.

As has been previously mentioned, my girlfriend is half Scottish. And if there’s one thing Scottish people do so very, very well it’s swearing. If there are two things, it’s swearing and heroin abuse, but we’ll focus on the swearing for now. Living as I do with a woman capable of eliciting sheer Glaswegian terror, I’ve learnt some handy new phrases to spit at anyone and everyone who comes my way. My new favourite of these is “Get tae fuck!” which, according to Urban Dictionary, translates roughly to “please leave me in peace, you disagreeable individual”, or more likely, “fuck off”.

And so, in the spirit of shameless cultural appropriation I have compiled below a detailed yet admittedly incomplete list of every person, thing or happenstance from 2015 that, in my humble opinion, needs to Get tae fuck. As I peer back in the rear-view mirror at the mangled hit-and-run of 2015, I have selected (in no particular order) those truly deserving of a good hard fucking off. Join me on the hateful Hogmanay bandwagon and have a nice long seethe – before we forget all about these people and find some new targets to loathe.

If you have any suggestions of additions to the list, feel free to scrawl them illegibly in the comments section below, and Grandma I’m very sorry for the bad language.

Happy New Year!

Donald Trump.

trumpThe racist, bigoted, walking bastard lovechild of Fox News, your xenophobic uncle and Scrooge McDuck. Get tae fuck.

Martin Shkreli.

Martin-ShkreliSmug, self-satisfied cunt who bought the rights to a drug used by AIDs patients and whacked up the price over 5000%. Then he lied about reducing it, and was revealed as the only human in the world who will hear a specially produced Wu-Tang Clan album for the next 88 years. He’s now been arrested by the FBI for unrelated fraud charges, though his general dickbaggery is most likely a contributing factor. Get tae fuck.

“Hoverboards”.

hoverboard
If it’s got wheels, it doesn’t fucking hover. Get tae fuck.

Nicky Morgan.

Nicky Morgan

The closest thing we’ll get to a more offensively clueless Education Secretary than Michael Gove (he can get right tae fuck and all). Insists schools must teach that Britain is a Christian country despite the government’s own research that this is bollocks. Spent her time as Equalities Minister trying to shut down equal marriage. Presumably will spend her next post as Health Minister campaigning for polio to be mandatory for all. Get tae fuck.

Jose Mourinho.

Jose-Mourinho1

Recently sacked self-styled footballing puppet-master, whose single marketable talent – telling very good footballers to play football, but, like, well – has seemingly disintegrated in a truly laughable fashion. Egotistical and deluded, he’s currently facing a legal battle after allegedly forcing a doctor out of her job for, well, doing her bloody job. Expect to see his paranoid blathering rear its ugly head sooner rather as another club offers him the opportunity to spout more bollocks than the nutter propping up the bar in your local. Get tae fuck.

Dodd Gerhardt.

dodd

Misogynistic psychopathGet tae fuck.

Rachel Dolezal.

dolezal

Former civil rights activist who tried (and admittedly succeeded) to pass herself off as black for years. Issues of whether someone can choose to self-identify as another race aside (they can’t), it became apparent that many of her claims of racism and abuse were completely made up. It would be funny if it didn’t most likely indicate some deep-seated psychological issues. Still, the level of public outrage indicates she should probably get tae fuck.

David Cameron.

cameron

After extending the Tory occupation of Downing Street in May, Cameron has continued to do unto the poor, disabled, vulnerable and Northern what he (allegedly) spent his youth doing to disembodied pigs’ headsGet tae fuck.

Clip-On Man-Buns.

manbun

As if the man-bun itself wasn’t teeth grindingly, stranger punchingly obnoxious. Now there’s a handy kit for wannabe wankers to become insta-wankers without the balls-out confidence to be the kind of wanker that grows a man-bun in the first place. Wankers. Get tae fuck.

Eva Marie.

eva

#YouCantWrestle #AllBotchEverything. Get tae fuck.

Justin Bieber.

justin-bieber-03

I’ve spent 2015 with every fuckpuffin who has dared converse with me telling me “you know, that Justin Bieber’s new stuff is quite good actually”. No. He’s a turd. Get tae fuck.

Walter Palmer.

cecil18n-6-web

Shot a lion. Claimed he didn’t realise it was a famous lion. Dick. Pro Tip Dr. Palmer: If you’re going to be a murderous bastard, at least have the good decency to kill things that don’t have adorable names. Get tae fuck.

Jeremy Clarkson.

jeremy-clarkson_3232414b

Punched and abused a Top Gear producer because his dinner wasn’t warm enough. Cocaine-addled toddlers have had more reasonable meltdowns. His BBC sacking was met with petitions, protests and death threats because Clarkson fans have the measured emotional maturity of Angelica from Rugrats with elephantine-PMT. Get tae fuck.

Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Andrew Lloyd Webber

Flew three and a half thousand miles just to vote in support of taking money away from the working poor. If the idea of a scrotum-faced millionaire trying to cut the income of millions of the most vulnerable individuals in the UK by thousands of pounds a year isn’t enough to make you vomit up your over-priced West-End interval snacks, bear in mind that this will all be forgotten about simply because he’s written some jolly nice sing-songs about cats. Get tae fuck.

Hulk Hogan.

hulk_hogan1

WATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN YOUR LONG-HIDDEN RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC RANTS RESURFACE ON YOU? Get straight tae fuck is what.

Richard Dawkins.

After a 14 year old Muslim boy was arrested when school officials and police mistook his homemade clock for a bomb (guess where they can get tae?), Dawkins appointed himself Chief Scooby Doo, duty-bound to unmask the obvious fraud behind this whole affair. He then drew parallels between this boy and 10 year olds forced to brutally decapitate Syrian army officers by ISIS because logic. Also recently decreed that anyone who uses the words “twat” or “cunt” forfeits the right to complain about misogyny. Supposedly this logic means that Samuel L Jackson had to give up criticising racism after using too many N-words in Pulp Fiction. Complete Twunt. Get tae fuck.

Clickbait.

clickbait

2015 marked the year that respected news organisations such as the BBC and The Independent stopped pretending and just gave in to the foul, vacuous web-whoring of Clickbait. Essentially a pejorative term for headlines which are either misleading, procrastination-inducing or just plain bollocks, it seems that people are so detached nowadays that modern journalism now has to rely on tricking people into reading anything important. As a pre-emptive note, I’m well aware that this very article would technically qualify as clickbait but:
1. The Bastard Lounge is not a news website and 2. Fuck off.
Can clickbait get tae fuck? The answer may shock you…

Well, I’m spent. There’s only so much hateful rage one can fling at a computer screen like a diarrhoetic chimp. I’ve doubtless missed many obvious objects of scorn but my swear-glands are thoroughly depleted. Fear not, for I shall return in the New Year with a fresh batch of foul-mouthed bile brewed up for your satisfaction. Until then, you can get tae fuck.

DPJ.

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