Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.
Yes, property magnate and much maligned bluster-bastard Donald Trump has entered himself into the running as a Republican candidate. The Apprentice star has opted to follow his UK equivalent Lord Sugar by entering the world of politics, albeit with as much grace and style as a dead bat thudding coldly into a cave floor. Trump opened his press conference by gliding down a gilded escalator into the room like a corpse on a game show conveyor belt.
Whilst the reasons why Trump is a monumental arsehole of the highest order are too numerous to mention, he has somehow managed to be taken seriously enough by enough people to become a legitimate candidate in the upcoming presidential election. Whilst his stance on the environment is unlikely to endear him to many liberal (or indeed, non-insane) voters…
… he has at least managed to inspire some confidence in regards to the economy with his proven track record in business (if you consider multiple-bankruptcies to be a proven track record). He has shown his commitment to economic recovery by contributing heavily to the US satire and wig-making industries over the past few years, a policy that is likely to make this campaign a damn sight more interesting than the damp squib of an election we had over here. Indeed, when you take a look at the whole list of potential candidates, one has to wonder why the UK has such a comparative lack of deluded nutjobs.
Amongst the filler and religious lunatics, a couple of names leap off the page soaked in a healthy dose of political nostalgia. The most (and in many respects only) notable declared Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton, seems like an early frontrunner to become the first woman to take charge of the White House. Unlike her husband however, she is perhaps disappointingly unlikely to be caught receiving a blowjob in the Oval Office, and is therefore automatically nowhere near as interesting as the freakshow the Republican party have wheeled out. This is even despite the fact that supporters have taken to referring to her in a somewhat uncomfortable first-name manner, like she’s a teacher they’ve bumped into at a family barbecue.
The other stand out name from this political identity parade is of course Jeb Bush. Sorry, I mean ‘Jeb!’ Bush. Ah Bush. Huge in the 80s, severely diminished in the 90s, thought to be all but extinguished in the 2000s and now making an ironic comeback.
Bush has followed Hillary in (partially at least) shrugging off the family name, probably because the whole warmonger thing isn’t really ‘in’ this year. His crack team of advisers, marketing experts and pleb-wranglers have opted to create a logo and a branding more akin to a short-lived wacky sitcom than a presidential candidate.
Still, these are just the candidates we know of. There is still plenty of time remaining for the field to change. We might see Rachel Dolezal bid to become the second black president. They might bring in Simon Cowell to jazz up the voting process. It’s also highly possible for various combinations of the candidates to run together, on a president/vice-president basis, theoretically meaning we might see a campaign for Bush-Trump 2016. Which, to be honest, sounds a bit too much like a fanny fart to be taken seriously.
Mind you, that might not necessarily be a bad thing. Politics has gotten far too serious lately. Which is why it’s refreshing to see Bastard Lounge favourite Nicola Sturgeon providing a dollop of humour to the American political scene, more than holding her own against Daily Show host Jon Stewart. Indeed, such an approach would be infinitely preferable to the upcoming months of inane conferences, photo-ops, rallies and baby kissing we’re about to endure. If they really wanted to get people engaged, the whole election should be based around a comedy gong show, in which candidates trade zingers until one is crowned commander-in-chief and given a trophy and a big shiny set of nuclear launch codes.
Ultimately, we are still only at the very beginning of this ordeal. We’ve still got no end of misguided statements, scandals, fuck-ups and bullshit to sit through. So sit tight. Grab some popcorn. And watch Donald Trump prove himself to be an utter cock bucket over and over again.