Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.
Continuing our four-part review of the year, we stumble valiantly forward through 2013 like a drunk crossing a busy motorway, lurching from one near-miss to the next in the vague hope of finding a small comfort by relieving ourselves against the tree of life. It was a busy three months for Planet Earth, with humans somehow finding the time between war, government scandals and murder to watch Scary Movie 5. Like the ignorant mouth-breathers we are.
In April, video game nerds began an official period of mourning after the news that Disney would be ending LucasArts’ game development. As well as games based on the Star Wars and Indiana Jones franchises, LucasArts was also well known for the critically acclaimed Monkey Island series of games, considered by many to be an important milestone for the industry in terms of its clever scripting and use of humour. That and the fact that you could win a sword fight using nothing but insults and argue with a megalomaniac skull. The series also led to Argentinian news channel C5N naively reporting that children were getting drunk from a fictitious Grog recipe from the game; an incident that makes even The Daily Mail look reliable.
April also saw the death of former British Prime Minister Margaret “Iron Man 3” Thatcher. Splitting opinion even in death, the news was marked with both mourning and celebration, with public opinion in the country never having been so divided since the great debate about whether Piers Morgan was a Twat or a Knob. However the British public did continue is fondness for tasteless-yet-hilarious satire as “Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead” reached Number 2 in the UK Singles Chart.
Moving stubbornly forward like a bulldozer through an eco-protester, the year marched into May. We were hit with the news that 3 people, including an 83-year old nun were found guilty of breaking into a nuclear weapons plant in Tennessee. Though in actuality a protest against nuclear arms, the
popular completely-made-up-by-me conspiracy theory that the three were secret agents acting on behalf of the badass new Pope was much more interesting and thus shall henceforth be considered as fact.
In South America, a not-at-all hilarious shortage of toilet paper hit Venezuela, leading to a deluge of unfunny and somewhat racist jokes about the effects of Burritos on the human bowel; and some equally unfunny but at least relatively satirical jokes about late president Hugo Chávez being full of shit.
In football news, Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson announced his retirement after approximately 6.4 billion years in charge. If the history of Earth was compressed into 1 calendar year, the emergence of modern humans would take place some time around 11:48pm on December 31st. Using the same logic, in comparison to Ferguson modern managerial reigns in the Premier League would be represented by a fart in the wind. Good news was to come though for those who believed the Scotsman was too dour and grumpy, as he was replaced by his thrilling and charismatic countryman David Moyes. God Scotland’s bleak isn’t it?
In June, Russia somehow invented time travel and took itself several hundred years into the past as it passed a law banning “Gay Propaganda”. The news caused global outrage and was featured on an excellent BBC documentary by Stephen Fry. Following on from the arrest of the punk protest band Pussy Riot, the issue was seen as a damning indictment of Russia’s appalling human rights record. However, others saw through these claims and correctly identified the announcement it as a way for President Vladimir Putin to eliminate the competition for his homoerotic calendars.
June also saw perennial tabloid fodder Kim Kardashian spit out another publicity stunt from her vagina as she gave birth to Kanye West’s daughter “North”. As the world cringed and shuddered at the appallingly tasteless name given to the little future failed pop star, and laughed at how terrible KimYe were as humans, we remembered that for some time David Bowie’s son was known as Zowie Bowie and we retreated meekly to our caves. It didn’t stop us mocking it though. Not in the slightest.
In Technology news, Microsoft announced changes to its much criticised Xbox One console, after severe backlash from gamers. The announcement was seen as too-little, too-late by many, especially after the previously announced limitations on sharing games were lampooned in this excellent video by rival Sony.
The video was met with a universal “Ooh burn!” from the gaming community, and we waited with bated breath to see what Microsoft’s comeback would be. Unfortunately, no form of video game based flame war was forthcoming, with the projected Next Generation Rap Battle featuring Bill Gates vs Kazuo Hirai looking distinctly more and more unlikely. Suggestions that the PS4 shagged Xbox One’s mum and she liked it have as yet been met with no response by Microsoft.
2013: A Year of Things – Part III available here.