Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.
And so, despite mankind’s best attempts to prevent it, it appears that 2013 will soon reach its climax, shuddering towards the New Year like a mangled sheep carcass being hauled from a railway line. In what has become a rather predictable storyline in the mediocre soap opera of humanity, the year was fraught with tragedy, despair and misery, interspersed with occasional snippets of joy, meticulously rationed out in order to provide us with just enough hope to prevent the whole of mankind from ending it all in one big nuclear suicide.
The following four-part article presents a discussion on the events of the previous twelve months. It is an exhaustive list, and as such anything not mentioned here did not happen, despite any protestations, arguments or evidence to the contrary.
As has become customary in recent years, we began with January. And by Jove what an earth-shattering start we had, as the world’s news outlets clamoured to be the first to break the mind-blowing news that Mauritania had banned plastic bags. Overshadowing all the global political and social unrest, this catastrophic announcement was all anyone could talk about for almost a full week, as society degenerated into rioting and feral cannibalism within three hours of the news breaking. Fortunately, an unlikely saviour was presented to us in the form of David Bowie. On January 8th, his 66th birthday, Bowie unexpectedly released a new single, Where Are We Now? and announced a new album to be released in March. As well as being his first new album in 10 years, the news was also extraordinary for being a total secret, with absolutely no word of the project until its official announcement (regardless of what your annoying hipster friend who insists he knew all about it all along may claim). Despite arguably the biggest music release for several years, this wasn’t enough to prevent HMV “shockingly” going into administration.
In other news, US President Barack Obama’s inauguration played second fiddle in the media to suggestions that Beyoncé may have mimed her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. The warped priorities of the media coverage in this event probably served as the point in which we as a culture officially gave up on any pretence of sophistication and intellect and openly wallowed in the slurry of ‘celebrity gossip’. We finally acknowledged our role as ignorant slobs, incapable of comprehending anything that isn’t presented to us in the form of a nice shiny celebrity, familiar and safe, like our favourite childhood toy except with a vajazzle and an ego problem.
Into February now, and our collective attention turned to New Orleans, where the Baltimore Ravens beat the San Francisco 49ers in Superbowl XLVII: This Time It’s Personal. Shortly after half-time, a power cut plunged the stadium into darkness, leading to conspiracy theories abounding as to who might be behind such a nefarious scheme. Popular opinions included the roguish Beyoncé, who had used up all the electricity in New Orleans during her half time performance as punishment for those who had criticised her lip-syncing the previous month; Bane and The Undertaker.
In the UK, MPs overwhelmingly voted in favour of allowing same-sex marriage in England and Wales; despite the confused ramblings of several out of touch bigots. With weddings already an incredibly camp affair, the news led to predictions by experts of a nationwide glitter shortage by 2015, predictions which were soon derided as “stereotypical”, “nonsensical” and “completely made up for the purposes of this article”.
The University of Leicester announced that the skeleton found beneath a car park in the city did indeed belong to King Richard III and not, as some had suggested, a student who had partaken in one round of Jägerbombs too many and fallen asleep in the construction site.
In God-World, Pope Benedict XVI: This Time It’s Personal [You’ve already used this joke once and it wasn’t funny the first time. Must try harder – Eds.] announced his resignation, becoming the first pope to resign in six centuries. Despite the obvious benefits of such an endeavour, the Catholic church neglected to run an ITV reality series entitled Pope Idol to find the new pontiff, leaving to global disappointment. They instead went with the inaugural Pope Francis, a man renowned for his charity, humbleness and generosity towards the poor. How dull. We could have had a rock n roll Pope with neck tattoos and a drug problem but no. Apparently not.
In March, Britain was hit with possibly the most boring and British political scandal in recent memory, when former cabinet minister Chris Huhne and his ex-wife Vicky Pryce were sentenced to eight months in jail. The incident referred not to a good old fashioned sex scandal we all enjoy so much (because we’re filthy perverts. Especially you. You sick fuck.) but instead to a speeding ticket. The nation shrugged, made a few half-hearted jokes about prison shower-rape and moved on to more interesting things.
Perennial insufferable wanker Justin Bieber made the headlines after taking to the stage a reported 49-minutes late for his performance at the O2 Arena in London. In an official statement, the ‘teen pop sensation’ blithered on for a bit about how he loves his fans, gurned a bit and took a selfie. Probably.
In science news, researchers at the awesomely named Lazarus Project successfully recreated the DNA of a frog which had been previously declared extinct. The potential for de-extinction caused ripples of excitement in both the scientific community in regards to the huge breakthrough in the field of somatic cell nuclear transfer, and amongst morons who started debating the likelihood of this all leading to some sort of Jurassic Park type situation. This is why we can’t have nice things.