Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.
Breaking News! As the world renowned source of celebrity gossip you have come to expect from The Bastard Lounge, we can exclusively* reveal that Kim Kardashian this week gave birth to Kanye West’s baby; and that everyone’s favourite waddling egos have named their daughter – drumroll please – North. North West. Seriously. What the actual shit?
Celebrity names are, by law, required to be ridiculous. Let’s face it, “Kimye” as the tabloids so sickeningly insist on calling them were never going to name their child something normal like Sarah or Keith. For one thing, Keith West sounds like a greasy estate agent of dubious morals, and for another it’s simply not interesting enough for the general public. The dynamic duo want as much publicity around this event as possible, not least of all because West has a new album out – the modestly named Yeezus – and having a baby is just about the best publicity stunt possible. That is of course apart from dying in a spectacular drug overdose in some New York hotel room surrounded by hookers of questionable attractiveness.
The problem is, unfortunate as it may be, people genuinely have a perverse unexplainable interest in this couple and the already pampered product of their immaculate celebrity genitals. Indeed, the name of the child is just about the only thing the average individual is allowed to take an interest in without being enrolled in some sort of forced sterilisation program. Anyone who genuinely cares what this child looks like or weighs must have the intellectual capacity of said baby’s first bowel movement.
But names are okay, because we like to feel superior to people; and nothing makes us feel more superior than mocking the stupidity of those with more money than us. People like to say things like “Oh that poor child, they’ve got no chance with that name”. They’re forgetting that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are two of the richest and most famous celebrities in the world – any child that dares mock their Geographically monikered munchkin will undoubtedly be taken out by an expertly trained highly paid team of child-assassins.
To the name then. It’s so stupid it’s almost ironic. Perhaps Kanye West has gone meta on us. Perhaps they knew they were expected to come up with something ludicrous and decided upon the most juvenile, ridiculously moronic name they could come up with. Or more likely, they’re both just not very bright.
In some ways I hope I’m going to have to write a retraction to this article in a couple of days, having fallen for what conceivably could be a tabloid ruse. The Birth Certificate was reported on TMZ and has been parroted by several other “reputable” organisations such as People Magazine. That said, it took two whole “journalists” two write that People article, so I can’t imagine the journalistic integrity is overly thorough here.
Now it would be unfair to speculate on the parenting ability of the two at this stage, and any way, such concerns are better left for trashy gossip rags as opposed to the groundbreaking highbrow cultural commentary The Bastard Lounge has built its reputation on. However it worries me that, when working with young people recently, Kim Kardashian was named as an idol by some of the girls. Other than proving that sucking cock on camera can be a shrewd career move, Kardashian has accomplished nothing that should be emulated by anyone other than highly trained stunt-morons. Kanye West, despite his admitted talent, was famously called “a jackass” by everyone’s favourite president and Nicest-Man-In-The-World (Drone strikes notwithstanding) Barack Obama.
But unfortunately we live in a world where these two are seen not only as icons worth looking up to, but so important that the simple fact they slapped their floppy parts together and managed to spit out a human is seen as newsworthy. People genuinely take an interest in the minutia of their existence, despite having never met them or had any reason to care about the slightest thing that happens to them. Kanye West is a talented musician, but why are there people out there; taking up our valuable resources as this planet slowly trundles towards its fiery doom; who genuinely want to know where he buys his clothes or what car he drives? Kim Kardashian has built her entire career on the back of a TV show about nothing other than her family having the sheer talent and determination to just sit around being very rich. If there were any justice, her relevance to the public would have ended after they’d finished ejaculating. But no, she stands to make millions just from the fact people will want to read about her new brat.
I’ve mentioned before about my despair at the future of this society which sits around, salivating at the slightest hint of news from our celebrity overlords, like we’re peasants just desperate for news of King Kanye’s latest triumph. And even those of us who express the appropriate disdain for such trivial matters aren’t helping ourselves. Take me for instance – I’ve just spent the past hour or so writing an angry blog article on the subject. And you’ve sat there reading it. You disgust me.