Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.
Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome your first Guest Bastard, Ed Palmer.
Sport. This word is generally associated with excitement, action and energy (with curling being the obvious exception), but unfortunately in some cases there is an unnecessary need to engage in this activity with someone else “helping” you to win. Whilst in some cases this is acceptable such as with football (the English version where you actually use your bloody feet) or rugby it should be illegal to play “doubles” in the games of pool or table tennis to name but a few.
This thought first occurred to me whilst at the pub. After asking someone to hold my beer, I went to go and play a game of one-on-one pool against my next opponent, when it was suggested that we play in pairs. If anyone knows me reasonably well they will know that I have accepted that teamwork is a necessity when I’m playing a game of hockey, but this is merely because it is 91.4m x 55m in size and I can’t be arsed to dribble that far by myself; whereas a pool table is merely 7ft x 4ft so it is unnecessary to have someone help get the balls from one end to the other. But this is not the only reason as to why in future, unless I’m under the influence of alcohol or little Timmy’s last dying wish is to be in a team with me, I refuse to play in a team whilst playing a sport unless it’s necessary.
There is obviously the key issue of, what if your comrade is shit. Whilst I may not be the best at pool, or sport in general, there is always the possibility that I can have a streak of brilliance and play a scorcher of a game, but this can be nullified if your “teammate” fucks it up by potting the white, missing the white and potting the other players’ balls. At least if you play on your own you can say “at least I did my best”, but if you lose due to someone else’s mistakes it’s like playing the football game of your life as a striker but still losing due to a shit defence. It’s like running 100m with a dead leg.
I’ve never been one to really work in a team. If ever there’s been the option of doing something in a pair or by myself I always choose by myself; which is probably why don’t get laid, but if you are in bed with a woman there is always the worry that firstly they won’t know what they’re doing (as illustrated above), but secondly if you are going to do something together, you need to have a strategy and you need to know what both of your jobs are and how you’ll link up (if you’ll excuse the pun).
If you have the unfortunate situation where you’re playing table tennis as a double, it should be easy to work out a strategy of : “this is my half, that’s yours, stay there and let me do my job”; but for some people this is just too difficult. They’ll end up getting too into the game and start moving into your area, and whilst this can be an excuse as to why you lost, they still break the unwritten code of STAY OUT OF THAT AREA! It’s like if you put it in the wrong hole during sex. She’s going to get pissed off (unless she’s a team player) and say STAY OUT OF THAT AREA! This will ruin your relationship and lead to arguments, much like if you were to run into my area during a game of table tennis.
The main predicament for me is; what if I win? Whilst yes I won the game and I’m happy with my success, it’s not really my success. Whilst obviously I probably deserve most of the credit I unfortunately won this game of pool or table tennis with someone else who apparently deserves credit for just being on my team, which means that it is “our” success. If we lived in a fair society where everybody deserved what they earned, I’d be getting the plaudits, the champagne and the beautiful women whist my “partner” would be getting a pre-paid taxi home or to a club of his choice where he can pay for his entry and try his best with the scavengers that are still there out of desperation at 5am. But because we apparently worked as a team we get treated as equals. Whilst this not only raises the question of whether Communism is truly vanquished in the UK, it also raises the question of why are these people even playing on the same table as me? Whilst they may be my friends, they obviously aren’t at the level as me, be it for better or worse, so it wouldn’t be fair to place us in the same league. The chances that one of your friends is at the same level as you are minimal, and if they are somehow at the same level I refer you to the points that are presented above.
So next time someone offers to play a game of doubles be it for pool, table tennis or just regular tennis, bear in mind that it will probably ruin your relationships and generally annoy you, when it can easily be avoided by you telling them to fuck off.