The Bastard Lounge

Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.

Ed Balls – Saviour of the Universe.

First of all I’d like to say a big thank you to everyone who read my last article. Literally hundreds upon hundreds of you stopped by in just a couple of hours. I’ve never had such a good response so sincerely, thanks.

Logic would dictate that I should strike while the iron is hot as it were, and capitalise on my increased number of visitors with an article as soon as possible. Unfortunately I’ve been busy with university work – though I still found time to draw a smiley face on my own arse and send it to my friend using Snapchat.

For those not familiar with Snapchat, it’s a smartphone app that girls use to send each other cutesy pouty duckface photos captioned “Miss you babe!! Drinkies soon? xxx”, and boys use to send each other photos of themselves on the toilet.

However, it’s hardly the weirdest aspect of modern life in this technological age. As I write this, people up and down the country (and indeed all over the world) are celebrating ‘Ed Balls Day’, the second anniversary of the day that Labour MP Ed Balls accidentally tweeted his own name. Twitter is awash with people guffawing themselves into a stupor over that time that bloke typed his name in the wrong box. Even former deputy Labour leader John Prescott got in on the action.

We live in an age where the entire accumulated wisdom of the thousands of years of human existence is a mere click away – and what do we do? We spend hours looking at funny videos of cats. I mentioned earlier that I was currently in the midst of doing some work for my course. I was sat at my computer with countless scientific papers and statistical analysis programs open in front of me – and yet I found myself watching this video of a cat, dressed as a shark chasing a duckling around on a robot hoover.

I dread the day when I have to explain Twitter to my kids. I think Conor Pope put it best when he Tweeted:

“Tell me about Twitter, Dad.”

“Well son, we would piece together the news of the day by reading strangers’ decontextified jokes about it.”

As the late, great Uncle Ben (the one off Spiderman, not the bloke on the rice packet) said, “with great power comes great responsibility”. We have almost limitless information at our fingertips. Someone could fart in Nairobi and a second later you could be reading about it in Glasgow. Assuming Glaswegians can read that is. We are at the cutting edge of the most exciting technological revolution in history. And quite frankly, we don’t deserve it.

I think nothing better proves the fact that all alien abduction stories are bollocks than the simple truth that we humans are, quite simply, rubbish. Why would anyone want to abduct us? People are overrated. We’re supposed to be the most intelligent being on the planet, but until dolphins walk into a room and immediately forget what they went in for I think they’ve got the edge.

Technology is wasted on us. There are thousands of more productive things you could be doing right now, but instead, you’re reading a poorly-written article about how crap you are, written by a guy sat in his pants who should be writing a paper on Assessing the Effect of Impulsivity on Biological and Cognitive Functioning, but is instead writing fart jokes.

My theory is that as the world gets more and more complicated, we have an innate desire for childish simplicity. It’s a coping mechanism really. Grown adults with proper jobs and responsibilities have spent their morning writing ‘Ed Balls’ on things; and on the front page of the Guardian website is an article about Barack Obama impersonating Daniel Day-Lewis.

The world is a difficult and scary place and we don’t like it. There are wars and diseases and financial meltdowns and it’s just too much for our poor delicate brainboxes to take. We want silly things and funny sounding words. We want the warm snuggly comfort blanket of laughing at something mind-numbingly stupid. We want Ed Balls. He’s the only thing keeping us sane.

Ed Balls.



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This entry was posted on April 28, 2013 by and tagged , , , , , , , , , , .
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