The Bastard Lounge

Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.


Some of you regular readers may be somewhat surprised to learn that sometimes, very occasionally, I get ever so slightly unnecessarily angry. I know, it’s shocking given my usual sunny persona and optimistic outlook but from time to time, I get a little irked.

The thing that’s made me angriest recently is a computer program called iTunes. Some of you may have heard of it. Some of you may use it. Some of you may have cursed its inventors and wished for them to burn in eternal, agonising hellfire.

I have spent two whole days recently rebuilding my iTunes library not once but twice after various technical problems. That’s time that could have been spent doing something much more worthwhile like playing Pokémon or wishing I had friends.

The one benefit from my nerd-rage is all the fancy new swear words my house mates learnt after hearing them emanate from my room. I’m something of a swearing aficionado but I even managed to surprise myself with the depth and inventiveness of my language.

In realistic terms, a malfunctioning music library isn’t really that big a deal. There are much more important things I should be worrying about, but I still manage to degenerate into mouth-foaming, eye-bulging fury every time my computer pops up with an error message.

I’m well aware I’m an angry person. I know I said otherwise in the first paragraph but that was for comic effect and it was absolutely hilarious and you know it so don’t complain. I don’t really mind for the most part, as the majority of the time it’s for a valid reason. I almost missed a flight last week as the airline opted to move the flight forward and forgot to update the notice boards. Having less than two minutes to get from Café Rouge to the departure gate before it closed led to me uttering a few choice words in front of a party of 30 shocked 9 year-olds on a school trip. My exact words are probably best not published here, but I have no doubt that there are now teachers who hate me for making them spend a whole trip with a group of schoolchildren asking innocently what ‘c**t’ means. Anyway, I think that was pretty justified.

It’s the rage at inanimate objects or unimportant matters that I should perhaps be seeking to reduce. Particularly when it comes to things like videogames. The phenomenon of getting unreasonably angry when playing videogames or using computers is commonly known as Nerd-Rage and is worryingly prevalent amongst almost all the males (and a few females) I know. I once knew someone that when his PS2 broke, decided to punch the laser until it worked again. Amazingly this did manage to fix the problem, but looking back I’m fairly sure that kid was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

I’m no good at videogames. I lose a lot. I die a lot. I quite like to play the WWE wrestling games if I’m feeling stressed as there’s very little more effective at relieving tension than hitting someone with a sledgehammer and pushing them off a ladder without getting in trouble for it. At least, I think that’s the case. I wouldn’t know, as I’m inevitably the one on the receiving end. This leads to me becoming even more infuriated than I was before, and then spending an hour sulking and flicking the Vs at my dog.

But ultimately I think I’ve got the balance okay. I get angry and I swear a lot. You probably realised that from the title of this website. But I’m too much of a wimp to do anything else. Anyone who’s seen me in real life knows that the only person I could beat in a fight would be a blind, armless midget, and even then it’d be close. It’d probably go the full 12 rounds and end up being decided by the judges. And I’d probably have to cheat.

The closest I’ve come to confrontation recently was loudly proclaiming “Fuck off!” after being queue-jumped whilst waiting in torrential rain – but the woman in question didn’t speak English. If she had, I’d probably have dropped to my knees and begged for forgiveness or tried to blame one of my friends; even though she was about 5 foot tall and 60 years old.

I think this is why myself and my fellow Nerds get so angry at our computers. They’re just about the only thing that we can swear at that won’t hit us. They don’t get offended when we call them useless, and they don’t start crying when we complain that they don’t work. Unfortunately though, swearing at them doesn’t fix them either. Which is why, despite calling it a “giant fucking bag of arse-flavoured shit-covered c**t flakes”, my iTunes is still broken. I’ll try turning it off and on.



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This entry was posted on April 4, 2013 by and tagged , , , , , , , , , , .
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