The Bastard Lounge

Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.


One of the first things you must learn when you become a student is how to procrastinate effectively. You will never survive at University unless you develop the key skills required to spend large amounts of time doing fuck all. And this is not as easy as it sounds.

Firstly, before we go any further it is important that we understand the difference between ‘nothing’ and ‘fuck all’. Doing nothing is incredibly easy – it simply involves sitting on a sofa, watching trash TV and eating junk food. Doing fuck all requires expertise, something that takes a lot of practice to master. Doing fuck all is difficult. The true art of doing fuck all is when you just sit and stare. Stare at nothing. Preferably with your mouth hanging open like a gormless pelican. For hours.

Indeed, it is only since coming to University that I have realised just how difficult it can be to waste time. As a student, for the first time you are faced with large amounts of ‘free’ time. This sounds incredible at first, and you marvel in the new found freedom. That’s not to say that you don’t have deadlines and responsibilities, but you have a lot more flexibility and a lot less routine.

However it quickly dawns on you that you are responsible for filling this time. And trust me, you very quickly run out of ideas. There are only so many episodes of The Big Bang Theory you can watch in an afternoon without wanting to peel off your fingernails one by one out of sheer boredom.

The only students who will make it through the University experience are those who master the art of doing fuck all and master it quickly. Sure there are those people who think that the solution to boredom is to fill their time being productive and doing useful things. They might join a society, get a job or even – gasp – do their essays before they are due in.

These people are deluded. They’re the sort of wankers who always safely eject their USB drives rather than yanking it mercilessly out of their laptop like the rest of us. They probably iron their pants. Quite frankly they’re making us look bad.

We need to put a stop to these over-achieving time-fillers. This society would crumble before our very eyes if everyone started being productive. Imagine the chaos. Lots of people running around doing things. The roads would be all cluttered with busy people being all important and useful and whatnot. Eliminating these smug tossers should be our top priority, right up there with curing cancer and destroying the fake tan industry.

But then, doing that would require effort. Which is, if you remember, the key problem. The only solution really is to bring everyone down to our level. Chances are, you’re reading this for procrastination. You almost certainly could be doing something better with your time. You are therefore well on your way to becoming a successful waste of oxygen. What we need to do now is to spread our message of time-wasting using the least taxing means possible.

How do we spread our manifesto? By doing precisely fuck all.

If we increase our time-wasting that means we reduce the amount of time out seeing people. And that means that those people have only other, productive, boring people to spend time with. And sooner or later, they’ll be just as sick of the hateful sacks of usefulness as we are.

So for the good of your health and that of everyone around you; stop what you’re doing. That essay can wait until the night before. The rent doesn’t need to be paid for another week. What you really need to be doing is fuck all.

Personally, I recommend turning off your brain and watching this live webcam stream of puppies.



3 comments on “Procrastination.

  1. Anne Yates
    February 22, 2013

    Brilliant! I must learn the art of doing fuck all very quickly, for the sake of my health and sanity!


  2. Ed Palmer
    May 29, 2013

    This was the perfect procrastination tool, thanks.

  3. Pingback: The Decomposed Corpse of George Best. | The Bastard Lounge

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