Misinformed, angry, coffee-addled ranting.
And so the irritatingly-numbered, grey, miserable year that is 2013 continues to relentlessly lurch forward, dragging us reluctantly along behind it like an unconscious water-skier. More specifically we have now entered February, a month inescapably dedicated to the celebration of St. Valentine’s Day; a day more saturated with fake sugary sweetness than injecting a pint of caramel directly into your carotid artery with a 12 inch syringe made of chocolate.
Valentine’s Day began as a celebration of one (or more) Christian saint(s) named Valentinus, often reported to have performed weddings in secret for persecuted Christians, and to have written the first ‘Valentine’s Card’ to his lover from prison. Hence San Valentino is often seen as the patron saint of love (and also of rampant commercialism and the greeting card industry).
Today the 14th of February is dedicated to sickening displays of love and affection all wrapped up with shiny red paper and teddy bears. Possibly the single most contrived quasi-celebration in existence, couples all around the world have seemingly agreed that spending one day each year fawning over each other with heart-shaped buckets of chocolate and rose-petals will make up for the other 364 days of general disinterest and deep-seated contempt they hold for each other.
No-one likes Valentine’s Day. If you’re single, it’s just yet another crushing reminder of your pathetically lonely existence, along with 2-For-1 Pizza Express offers and condom expiration dates. If you’re in a couple, you spend the entire time desperately trying to prove to yourself and everyone around you that your relationship isn’t a screaming fiery car-wreck.
Apparently, some adult websites are now offering subscriptions as Valentine’s Day presents (Don’t ask me how I know that. We’ll call it research). I know couples’ attitudes to pornography have evolved in recent years but surely that’s ridiculous?
“Hey honey; how about on this, the most romantic day of the year, we celebrate our love for one another by watching good-looking dead-eyed heroin addicts pound away for an hour in the least romantic way possible while we try desperately to remember what it was like to enjoy having sex with one another?”
As for other more traditional gifts, they’re all equally vomit-inducing. Teddy Bears are not a gift suitable for a mentally capable adult. Flowers are nothing more than expensive bundles of colours slowly rotting before your eyes. Valentine’s-themed Chocolates come covered in pointless red packaging, cost twice as much as normal ones and taste like cat sick. I admit I’ve given all these presents in the past, and most probably will again in the future (provided I can find someone inexplicably willing to overlook my glaringly obvious personality failures). They are the presents that society has deemed ‘acceptable’ for Valentine’s Day.
And as for the cards, shelf upon shelf of eye-gougingly cringe worthy tripe adorns every shop, with more cheese spewed onto each one than if there was an explosion at a Dairylea factory. A relentless cavalcade of “I wuv you” mush and “You are my everything” bollocks. Buying cards is essentially our way of saying “I can express my exact sentiments towards you through the generic words of someone I’ve never met”. Probably the only card to ever truly encapsulate the true extent of romance in the 21st Century is this one:
Perhaps we should start following the lead of Malaysia, Iran and Saudi Arabia; all of whom are clamping down on Valentine’s Day because supposedly it’s not in keeping with Islamic values. Maybe we should start burning down Clinton Cards and throwing teddy bears holding loveheart-shaped cushions into woodchippers.
That’s another point, why is it called a loveheart? It looks nothing like one. The heart is an ugly throbbing lump of muscle and tissue – but if I saw a card with a photograph of one I’d probably buy it because it’d be better than the rest of the shit out there.
Anyway I hope you all enjoy your Valentine’s Day, regardless of how you choose to celebrate it. I’m going to be spending mine with a group of friends watching a man in a dragon outfit do magic tricks, which in my opinion is infinitely preferable to any alternative.